You spoke my language and touched my limbs, it wasn’t difficult to pull me from myself again

I really need to get into blogging consistently…

The past couple of weeks or so have been interesting. 

I’ve been painting a lot lately. My friend Jason got me into spray painting and I love it.

^ first time using spray paint

I’m glad to be creative again, I felt for a while that it was keeping me off balance not painting or writing and the way I felt when I actually did again is more proof that there was a lot that needed to be released over that time. 

As per my last post, the person that I unexpectedly fell for is no longer leaving :)! I can’t express how happy it makes me. I would get into gushing over him blog style but I don’t think I should.

Ryan is home. I can’t believe I haven’t seen him in 2 years. He came over with Marcus on Tuesday briefly and I got to see him last night at the loop for his coming home gathering, we stood with Matt and reminisced about the funniest times we’ve had. It was nice to remember how far we’ve come since then and that Matt got to learn things about me that he wouldn’t in any other situation then if it was coming out of Ryan’s mouth. 

I was telling Matt on the way home that my bond with Ryan is so dear to me, one of the reasons being he was there from when I was 17 which is when my life began to change in the most sentimental ways and he’s been there until now so I don’t need to explain to him the things I’ve been through and I don’t need to worry about being strong or anything because he knows who I am through and through. I’m going to be so sad when he leaves, I feel the most complete when he’s around.



Needless to say, things are going really well right now. Broken Social Scene is next weekend, I can’t fucking wait. it’s going to be an interesting adventure with four of us in a 2 bedroom hotel room hahaha. 

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Contradicting Myself Once Again

Lately I often find myself at a face to face struggle with my beliefs, not religiously or anything dumb. 

I believe that no matter what people should just go for something, not think about the repercussions or spend their time thinking about it in their heads trying to wonder what it would be like if they did, just simply doing it. One of my biggest fears is finding myself, in my last moments of life, filled with regret and asking myself “what if.” So to prevent that from happening I’ve spent my entire life being impulsive, reckless and irresponsible for the most part. But I feel as I get older I become less of myself in that aspect, right before my feet leave the edge I hesitate for a moment to look down and reconsider the jump. I miss being younger and without knowledge, I miss not knowing better. Once you’ve experienced heartache, disappointment and loss as you get older you aren’t as quick to pursue those things as you once were. 

What I’m wondering I guess is do you still go for something even if there’s a chance, whether it’s underlying or blatantly staring you in the face, that something is going to blow up in your face? Do you do it for the experience and just so you don’t have to wonder what if? 

I feel like I already know what I should do. Sweet jesus, I feel bad for anyone who has to read my blog – which is basically just me arguing with myself hahahah. 


I guess I’ll stop speaking in code or whatever. Basically, I found myself surprisingly feeling something for someone when I really wanted to believe that I wasn’t going to get myself into that shit for a while but it happened to my surprise and I’m glad it did. In the midst of all the giddiness and the feeling good I forgot that he was planning to leave, which makes me wonder what I should do next.

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I wanna be reprogrammed, I wanna be robotic

I haven’t blogged in awhile but I’m having one of those days, so blogging seemed to be more of a need than a want. 

A lot has changed in the past little while which of course, given my nature, I am alright with. I’ve lost touch with some and gained closeness to others. It’s really funny how coincidental things can be in the way they play in with timing. I feel that everyone I encounter I encounter at that time in my life, or theirs, for a reason. For example, I began hanging out with a coworker who was going through a rough time in his break up around the same time I was so we started to hang out and he told me I’m an awesome motivator, I was glad to be able to help. He helped me as well because he shed some light on a few things I couldn’t get passed and having someone to hangout with late at night who’s okay with walking aimlessly and laughing at random things doesn’t hurt either.

I also now have a room mate temporarily, it’s a nice change of pace from living alone seeing as I’m used to 2+ room mates, which has been interesting. I’d go more into it but for caution of their privacy I won’t.

Dustin and I have booked our second trip to Vegas, for his birthday, I can’t wait. It’s going to be insane, seeing as neither of us have a logical side in that sort of setting, there’s going to be very little that we don’t end up doing. I’m also excited that I am celebrating his birthday with him for the first time in a weird milestone kind of way. 

I am no longer with Cory. It was a prolonged situation since we broke up here and there but still stayed close, or living together which made it a little harder to cut the chord. After a while of not hanging out or speaking, just to let things cool for a bit, we went out to dinner and to his house to play the new God of War and since then he just latched right back on. Constantly asking me about my Twitter updates and during the week where my coworkers were telling me I was radiant and glowing he asked me if that was because of him, it became extremely frustrating to have to explain everything all the time. I then realized that even though he said he could take it easy and we could just hang out as friends that he really couldn’t, which isn’t a fault he just has a big heart and wants to project it toward someone, but that didn’t agree with where I was at the time. I had fallen out of love with him and sometimes when we hung out or got close sure it came back but that didn’t mean I was ready to cancel my lease and move back in with him. It’s not exactly a surprise that things ended on a bitter note considering we are two completely different people of different natures, I’m more independent and not to sound pessimistic but I’m used to things blowing up in my face, who are going to take the hit that much differently.
Of course I don’t want to lose someone who I’ve been best friends with for almost a decade but if that’s what needs to happen for the time being for him to grow and heal from this experience and for me to have the space that I’ve needed for so long to just be a little bit selfish for once, so be it. 

The only thing that really hurts me is that no matter how much sacrifice or work you put into someone there’s that chance that in the outcome of things they will spin it and still see all the negative and none of the good. It’s like hey, I know you just spent a year of your life trying to fix me but you’re a bitch. 

Oh, okay.

I can’t help that I want to save everyone I come across and even though it doesn’t get recognized at times or work out in my favor, I don’t regret it. The most satisfaction I can personally feel is knowing that I’ve impacted someone’s life in a positive way, an ex of mine told me that I taught him to love and even though he was my “big ex” and broke my heart a million times over I didn’t feel that it was all in vein because it didn’t work out. I was just happy to know I could do that for someone. The thought of anyone going through something extremely difficult alone makes me so sad, I feel like with the billions of people in the world there’s no reason that anyone should be alone. There’s definitely someone for everyone, friend or romantic companion.

Dustin and I decided I should start my own YouTube channel, which he will be producing since I’m drunk every time we update it and let’s just say a lot of shit needs to be bleeped out. It should be good though, it’s like the less classier version of Carrie Bradshaw in a way, unless there was an episode of Sex and The City where she mixes wine bombs in her mouth and not in her glass while giving advice? I hope not, that’s all me.

Anyway, I hope I can stick with blogging more. I mean I hope someone will come across my words and be influenced in a good way but it’s helped me out too. 

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I thought I heard a plane crashing, but now I think it was your passion snapping

What are you supposed to do when you’ve lost that passion? When you’ve become the complete opposite of who you are, acquired all the qualities that you’ve tried to steer people away from your entire life and reassured them it was the wrong thing to do.

When you feel like you’re on auto pilot, just doing these things because it’s routine. Because it’s expected of you.

I don’t know what’s worse – telling someone the truth, that you’ve fallen out of love with them or staying to spare their feelings. No solution comes to mind at all regarding this situation and I just know that I never want to settle or give myself less than I deserve, let alone someone else.

I miss feeling butterflies. I miss being overtaken by passion to the point where I don’t even think about it and just ravish that person. I miss feeling giddy and energetic.

I miss spontanuity, not knowing what’s going to happen next, the moments that feel so surreal you don’t know if you’re actually awake or in a dream.

Although it’s a paradox and exactly what I’m doing to someone else, it’s unfortunate when you’re thinking about someone who’s thinking about someone else who’s thinking about someone else. It feels like no matter what I do I won’t be able to express how deeply I actually care and reciprocate the things that I’m not supposed to know and can’t bring up.

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Weekend Warriors

this weekend I’ve learned a lot about my friendships and what they mean to other people, as well as myself. not to say that in order to prove you care for someone you should go out and beat someone up, but the intention of the situation is sincere.

I went out Friday with a couple of friends, we were dancing at the Loop when a group of guys were grabbing my friend’s ass. naturally when she is being hit on (and same goes for me) but is not receptive to it, I pretend she is my girlfriend. I told them to back off and “don’t touch my girlfriend” then we left. as we were walking down the stairs they were shouting “bitch” at me when she stopped and said “no.” she then chased them into the men’s washroom and beat the shit out of one. I was completely whatever about the entire thing, when she stopped and said “are they calling you a bitch?” I just said “yeah?” (I’ve been called a lot worse) but apparently she didn’t feel so laid back about it.

on Saturday: some guy came up to my and grabbed my ass which I then politely asked him to not touch me and he came at me again, pushing my arm out of the way between us. when my bestfriend John noticed what was happening he told him not to touch me and for some crazy reason claimed I was his girlfriend, which then resulted in him getting his nose broken.

I stood between them with one hand holding my street meat and the other arm wrapped around John, I’m not a violent person so I don’t have the natural reflex to take a swing at someone even when they are punching someone I care deeply for in the face. I still wish I did and would have done more but considering the way things happened, at the same time I’m glad I didn’t because I feel like it could have been a lot worse. John didn’t take a swing at the guy either because he had five bigger guys backing him, I’m glad he didn’t. the same guy assaulted a police officer minutes later and ended up being arrested so he got his, although while he was punching John he kept saying “you think I’m afraid to go to jail?” apparently not.

luckily I had a cardigan in my purse (that was black) that I used to soak up the blood, we both ended up covered in blood anyway.

the rest of the night was spent in the ER while John drank whiskey out of a flask and vented, due to poor ER service we ended up just leaving.
I’m obviously unahppy that it happened the way it did and I would never want any of my friends to be harmed at the cost of me feeling loved but as I said earlier in the post, it’s nice to know that in the event of being assaulted you have someone to have your back.

in lighter news, I wrote a letter to the editor for The Windsor Star regarding the fare increase and it was published – twice!

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Tibetan Meditation


so I’ve started reading a book about Tibetan meditation that my friend Kyle reccommended for me, I haven’t read too much of it yet unfortunately (due to working a lot and then spending time with friends in my freetime) but from what I’ve read I’m really looking forward to the rest.

the first part talks about how there’s three different parts of pain in life: the first is depression or heartbreak, I can’t remember what the second was but the third struck me as really interesting because it was the things that we enjoy like a great tasting dinner or being in love, these are apparently types of pain because they always come to an end.

later on she explains that the idea of evolution is always associated with the idea of supercomputers and robots etc. but most people don’t realize that evolution lies within themselves because we are only taught to use a certain portion of our brain and how extraordinary it would be if we used all of it. from what I’ve read so far, the purpose of the book is to help you learn to meditate and lower the walls that keep you from accessing that part of your mind.

my friend has practised it and he said that he’s felt a lot of improvement, he feels aware of his true self and not his egotistical self that tricks him into looking at everything in the physical world. whenever he tells me about these things I am unable to relate or talk with him about it because I haven’t gotten to that point yet. I’m hoping that it’s as helpful to me as it has been for him, I’m excited to try something like meditating because I never have before but I’ve heard good things.

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Mother Mother wsg Hannah Georgas – London Music Hall November 27th

on November 27th I went to London, ON to a Mother Mother concert at the London Music Hall. I went with my good friends Kyle and Anthony as well as Anthony’s friend Brian whom I met for the first time that day.

the night before Kyle met met at work and we had a sleepover at my house, it was much needed because I hadn’t seen him for awhile due to our work schedules conflicting, where we ate food and watched The Amazing Spiderman. we spent the night laughing hysterically, as we always do, at things that only the two of us would understand. we ended up staying up til about 7AM which resulted in us waking up later than I would have liked the next day, so we were in a rush.

we walked to the Walkerville Sweet Shoppe to get coffee to wait for the next bus (we just missed the first one) at this time it was about 3:35pm and we were supposed to be at Tecumseh Mall for 4 to meet Anthony and Brian. I texted Anthony when we were at the shop and told him we would be a little bit late, he said that Brian would be mad so i decided we just needed to get there ASAP and that we would cab there. it was soon after I said that I realized I had left my debit card inside my other coat at home (luckily my apartment is only a five minute walk, if that, from the shop).

the ride up there was longer than I thought it would be, maybe it was because I couldn’t smoke since we never stopped, but fun none the less. everyone in the car had common interests so most of the drive was spent talking about current shows, Mother Mother (obviously) and other bands. then we arrived at Kevin’s house.

Kevin is an old friend of mine who coincidentally is friends with Anthony (who I just met in training for our new job about three months ago), which I’m thankful for because I had almost forgotten how much fun Kevin is.

I fell in love with his house immediately. the side of the house was covered in ivy (I’ve always loved that) and the kitchen was huge with a washer and dryer that are ontop of each other. he and his friends made a dartboard with a cat collage as the backboard, which I wasn’t expecting and it made me laugh alot, and then came Kevin’s room.

on the left wall there is interior brick (love!) and the roof comes down on an angle, with a window that you can pull down that leads onto the roof. the room was small yet so spacious at the same time, I think it’s what he did with the space, it was so open and minimal. he had a desk and his mattress on the floor that was placed underneath where the angled ceiling came to the wall, almost fortlike, and the shape of the room was really odd. needless to say, it was one of my favorite room layouts I’ve ever seen.

as we were nearing our leave to the Music Hall we had the option of getting a ride from Kevin’s room mate or walking, I mentioned how I had never really been to London (besides going straight to the airport or the greyhound station) and that I’d like to have a look around and Kevin agreed suggesting we walk through Vic Park.

thet park had christmas lights in the trees and wasn’t secluded or fenced like most parks are, it was just in the centre of various intersections. there was an army tank off to one side which was randomly placed, and the rest of the park was open besides the bathrooms. London was very cold that night, I think Kyle mentioned he saw a sign on our way in saying it was negative four? but somehow the weather set a nice tone to the night, almost like it was selected on purpose for a scene in a movie.

after we passed through the park we were on the streets of downtown London, we searched for somewhere quick to eat before the show. Kyle and I had to go to the bank so Kevin said he would meet us at Ming’s Buffet (a chinese restaurant) to bring Brian and Anthony for food. Kyle and I took our time after the bank walking up Dundas so I could get coffee, Kyle was like a little kid on a field trip. he peered into stores that caught his eye saying “what’s that!” and I felt bad because we were kind of on a schedule and I wanted to explore as much as he did. Tim Horton’s was closed (AT SIX PM!) and so we walked in search of a Starbucks, luckily we found one for not knowing where the hell we were.

as we were walking to get coffee I was looking around at everything and absorbing what I saw. I’m not sure why, maybe it was the hipsters or the asians or the buses, but London really reminded me of Vancouver. I texted this to my other friend Kyle and he said “hahah keep thinking that, most people hate it” but I told him I didn’t give a fuck what other people thought, I liked it.  

.68843_10151297644930376_1240086835_n (photo credit: Kyle Reaume)

we finally arrived at the Music Hall, we got our wristbands and almost immediately after visiting the merch table we went to the bar (where Kevin and I were found at most of the night). I had one beer, which for a bottle of Keith’s it was almost $6, but soon switched to red wine.

the opening band, Hannah Georgas, took forever to come on but it was well worth the wait. we all really enjoyed their set, the vocalist Hannah reminded a few of us of Florence Welch (Florence and The Machine) based on her appearance and voice.

images76131_10151297650895376_727525684_n(photo credit Kyle Reaume)

^ actual Florence                   ^Anthony, Hannah G, Brian

Hannah Georgas really set the tone for the night with her set, it was really upbeat and made for good drinking music, which we spent that time warming up.

Anthony said he wanted to get wasted and I’m pretty sure Kevin made sure he did, there were few times where both of them did not have a drink in hand but I can’t say much because the same applied to me.

21814_10151297645690376_1045309355_n (photo credit Kyle Reaume)
Me, Anthony and Kevin

then came Mother Mother!
before they hit the stage there was an energy that swept over the venue, atleast two hundred bodies breathed heavy with anticipation for them to hit the stage.

255010_10151297648095376_454559330_n(photo credit Kyle Reaume)
^ Mother Mother vocalist: Ryan Guldemond

I am so impressed with their set, I personally love their first two albums so afterward I didn’t really get into the newer two and I was worried that they would only play their new stuff but they didn’t, they played a lot of my favorite songs from their past albums.

we danced, drank, laughed and sang. I ruined one of my favorite sweaters by dropping an entire cup of wine onto the floor that splashed upward onto me and Anthony, it was ripped anyway.

Kyle, Kevin, Anthony, Me, Brian

all in all it was a wonderful experience! I can’t wait to go back to London and spend some time with Kevin.

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